ABOVE: Barry Bonds played for both San Francisco and Pittsburgh. Now, he stands on rooftops casually drinking coffee and wearing Google Glass. If the U.S. Postal Service wanted to (finally) make some money they should partner with Google and turn this picture (along with A-Rod, McGuire, Sosa, and Clemens) into a stamp series of all of them staring into the horizon with Google Glass. Think about how much better that birthday card from your Aunt would be if the stamp was Sosa, wearing Glass, and sipping champagne on the bow of a ship (this picture may exist, by the way). Alright hackers, enough of the nude celebs. You’ve been commissioned to find and leak steroid era players wearing Glass.
Time to move on.
The winner of tonight’s 1-game playoff between the San Francisco Giants and Pittsburgh Pirates will advance to play the Nats in the NLDS. There are plenty of articles bouncing around the net making very good statistical and strategic arguments for who the Nats should “root” for tonight so that the Nats can, presumably, have an easier path to advancing in the playoffs.
Those are all great. But, what about the fans out there who don’t care about the stats? How about the one’s that are essentially being guilt tripped into watching the Nats in the playoffs? Who should they root for?
Let’s take a look at some groups of people to help them identify which team they should want to spend their weekend watching the Nationals play.
SCENARIO 1: My husband/boyfriend/pool cleaner has been obsessing about baseball as the Nats approach the playoffs. I know I’m going to have to watch these games with him but, damn, I’m a living, breathing, human and I want some attention too.
SOLUTION: You gotta root for the team with the maximum amount of beefcakes. He’s heard you all year talk about Werth, but reminding him that literally everyone on the field is better looking, more talented, and undoubtedly more successful should get the point across.
VERDICT: TIE . This is close. Having a Fake Jason Bourne look-a-like never hurts, but there is just something about McCutchen in that scarf.
SCENARIO 2: Hey I’m single and scored a standing room ticket to one of the games this weekend. Meeting someone at a playoff game sounds like the perfect meet-cute. Which team’s fans would I most likely fall in love with?
SOLUTION: Sell your ticket and watch “Fever Pitch” then “The Breakup.“
VERDICT: Tie. Chicks with fake beards and dudes acting fake tough versus people who shave messages in their chest hair (these people are from Pittsburgh, I’m sure there are some ladies out there with words shaved into their chest hair I just didn’t want to subject my computer- or Google for that matter- to that search). Start to embrace the Chinos and meet a Nats fan.
SCENARIO 3: I have no interest in sports at all but definitely like checking out the celebs at the game. Hey! There’s Don Cheadle, and Matt Damon, and Billy Crystal, and the Xena chick! CELEBS ARE JUST LIKE US. Which team has the best celebrities they may cut to when I’m watching the broadcast?
SOLUTION: Just retweet whatever pictures Ellen Degeneres is taking.
VERDICT: Tie. While Wiz Khalifa is pretty damn topical right now the camera’s would never pan over to him. I’m sure the broadcast would love to catch Russell Crowe but I’m picturing him in the concourse eating 3 dozen pyrogies, crushing 10 Budweiers, and then brawling with anyone who wants to. Rob Schneider on the other hand would do just about anything to get on TV, so that’s lame, and there’s no way they can show Lil’ Wayne drinking Dimetapp, so this may be a celeb free broadcast.
SCENARIO 4: I am a self-proclaimed foodie who has their own blog. It’s called “I Eat Food Just Like Everyone Else Only Unlike You, I UNDERSTAND The Food.” I’m always on the lookout for new content so when the broadcast cuts to local and stadium food, which one would be best for me to write about?
SOLUTION: “Why don’t they just cover everything with bacon? I mean, seriously, if this remote control I used to change to the game was covered in bacon I would eat it, lol.”
VERDICT: TIE. The layering of the Primanti Brothers sandwich is fantastic but the crab sandwich on garlic bread out in San Fran could definitely get some readers here if it’s compared to local crab sandwiches.
FINAL SCORE—- 0-0 WITH 4 TIES. It doesn’t really matter who the Nats play next. Enjoy the game tonight and get pumped for Game 1 on Friday.
Lots of photos here are links to them (you’re welcome for the backlink, Rob Schneider):