Dan Kolko: A Modern Day Tragedy

Pride has brought down countless people throughout mankind.  Most of the time- us- the mere spectators in their great play, don’t get the access to see it happen in real time.  Sure the events get pieced together after the fact, but it is quite rare when we get to watch it unfold on live TV.  What I’m about to share with you is a true story of what the MASN viewing audience saw last night.  Let it be a cautionary tale.

The Tragedy Of Dan Kolko

Dan Kolko was a hard working kid.  The kind of guy willing to fill in on NatsExtra, or help set up interviews.  He was a salt of the Earth, real blue collar American.  Look at him here:

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Just like us, he was willing to dip fried dough into some sugary sauce before likely heading off to his bowling league.

Something changed though.  Dan Kolko became “MASN-DAN”.  None of his other MASN collegues– many of which more senior to him– were given this prodigious title. Johnny Holliday, the ‘voice of Maryland’, has no MASN title.  Bob Carpenter, Nationals play-by-play caller, probably isn’t even allowed in the office supply closet unsupervised.  Ray Knight definitely isn’t allowed in any closets in general.  As such, the title of MASNDan clearly went to his head, and fueled that once in-check ego of his.

You see, when you become MASNDan, you can skip that Mets series last weekend to go hang out with your friends at the beach.  What do you care?  You’ll be back for the biggest game- with probably the largest audience- since you became an on air field reporter for the Nationals.

Last night’s game was MASNDan’s big chance to shine.  All he needed to do was listen to the advice of his elder’s and heed the warning of the Oracle (Ray Knight).

—- THE NATS ARE ONE WIN AWAY FROM CLINCHING THE DIVISION.  MASNDAN KNOWS HE WILL BE FEATURED POSTGAME INTERVIEWING THE PLAYERS FOR THE VERY LARGE VIEWING AUDIENCE—–

Johnny Holliday, before the game began, asked Dan Kolko if he was going to wear goggles or any sort of protection for the post game celebration.  This was MASNDan’s response:

That’s right.  MASNDan is concerned about covering up part of his face and hair for all those glory shots in the celebration that’ll be shared and viewed.

The Oracle gave MASNDan one final warning:

Sure enough, the Nats won the division last night.  It was MASNDan’s time to shine.  His first interview during the celebration was with Tanner Roark, the winning pitcher.  Let’s see that MASNDan smile here:

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Oh, so smug.  He knew he nailed that interview and that his perfect hair and moneymaker face were dry and completely composed.

It’s those highest of highs though, that make the lows seem just so low.

As MASNDan (who at this point his ego has convinced him that he is made completely of teflon) moved on to his next interview, we all got to see what happens to a goggle-less ego maniac in a smoke and laser filled locker room:

Just listen to him.  No less than a minute or two earlier he was smirking at you– yes, you, watching MASN after you just winterized your above ground pool– now he is out of breathe and clearly disoriented all in a span of five seconds.  “It’s COLD.  That BURNS.”

I know most of you began to cover your kids eyes at this point.  No one wants to lose their innocence watching the fall of MASNDan.  Well, things got progressively worse:

Just listen to him pretend to play along.  He is clinging to the hope that we all think he’s in on the joke.

This is where everything hit rock bottom.  I’ve only been able to watch this once:

There is no need to comment further.  We all saw the footage and we all know what happened.

It’s a shame that he had to learn this in front of a huge viewing audience but MASNDan learned the most important lesson someone can learn last night.  You always listen to Ray Knight.

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